I know I'm opinionated. I get it. I know I'm scrappy, loud, sometimes abrasive, pissy and feisty. I get THAT too. But I'm also very kind, overwhelmingly generous, and want the best of life and love for those dear to me. That being said - I see STRONG people, GOOD people with this upside-down view of friendships/relationships..and I worry for them.

....My opinion? : dusts of soapbox: whispers*hello old friend*

*ahem*

If someone is unhealthy for you, You should stay away from them, right? Pull up your panties, and walk away. Stop needing the ego assuredness and security blanket of them being some kind of sick "back up" plan for you. ADMIT that it's a security blanket for you.
It's hard.
I KNOW.
But for FRANKS sake, for your future relationship health’s, and your own mental sanity.
STOP trying to be friends for a while.

Allow healing.
Don’t think a month is enough time.
                      NO CONTACT. You should not be talking, emailing, texting, pinging or consorting in any way.
Otherwise it's too hard to cut the strings that need to be cut. It's to hard to treat an open wound.
This co-dependence and the need for validation and searching, its only hurting yourself.

When you feel the need to call them? Play a video game, distract yourself.
WEEN yourself off them.
It's like those late night dinner urges.
Drink water first.
Wait a half hour.
The craving will subside.

Funny how people always crave what’s harmful and destructive.
What does that mean?....

*distracto*
anyways...


I TRIED to do the 'friend' thing - with an ex that I just couldn't bare the thought of not having in my life.  ‘We’re just too close of friends! We were friends first! Surely that means something??’   It didn't work. ANY time he talked about dating other people, or he looked at girls, or whatever - I was ALWAYS holding out hope that he'd change his mind, and *PING* there I'd be - the perfect choice.But instead- Nights crying. Why couldn't he see how perfect I was???  ...  So, we stopped being friends.... We didn't speak AT ALL for like 6 months. I learned to live without him.

Then, finally, when I DID see him again, it was... different. I didn't FEEL that way about him anymore. I CARED about him as a person, but didn't give two shits whether he WANTED me or not. Finally, I could tell he did regret that we weren’t together - and I TRULY DIDN'T CARE. When I finally DIDN'T care - that's what I had waited for??? Where was the vindication??  It was pointless then, because, I ... didn't… care.

You can't separate that when you're making little inside jokes, little side 'just between us friends' jokes. Little ' you wouldn't understand its a - read between the lines *subject that still ties our souls together by polyurathaine rope* - *chuckle* LooOOoooOOOOoooog Story."
An inside joke for you. How happy that must make you. Excellent. How awesome for you.

...

EVERYBODY goes thru this thing - of feeling like they're gonna be alone, or that they CERTAINLY can NOT be kind. If that person wants to be friends, who am I to say 'no, you're unhealthy for me'.

It seems arrogant, and unkind, and assumptive.

SO.
WHAT.

If I have learned ANYTHING in my measly 30 years on this little planet, it's that we scamper around trying to do what’s best for EVERYBODY ELSE - giving ourselves gastro-intestinal problems in the course, trying to make sure people like us, have a good opinion about us, that we're viewed well, taking on stress, tears, sleepless nights, and generally pre-mature grey.

What about US?

What about what's best for US?!?!? Isn’t it ok for you to say...

no?


When did that become NOT ok?

I have recently had a very heavy weaning of so called 'friends'. It was difficult. HARD. These we're people I had split blood with. Literally. That I had loved, fucked, cried with, walked with, built with, lived with. FOR YEARS. And finally - the cesspool became too much to ignore. I had to walk away.   God, if I had let 'decency' win out??? … I'd still be in a miserable marriage. I wouldn't be in this amazing, new, scary place in life. I wouldn’t have a crap load of healthy friendships, and new experiences.  Found the love of my life and soul. Opportunities and LIFE.

Let it die.

How is anything new suppose to blossom in it's place?

I know I ‘don’t know the situation’ I know I ‘don’t know your friendship. How strong it is. How much it’s been thru. What we’re capable of’.  I DO know it sounds like the same BULLSHIT that everyone ELSE since the beginning of TIME has assumed about their friendship, only to learn otherwise. Everyone thinks they’re different. That the relationship rules don’t apply to them…

 

But what do I know.

I’m only me.  Worried about my dear ones.

Worried about those I see headed for pain I know they can avoid.

Worried.

With my soapbox.

Pull the plug. Stop being a weeny.

We're holding a HUGE Garage Sale in a new housing development on Saturday, May 9th from 7am to 1pm!!

We have NICE furniture pieces, stuff like Spring Steel Couch, Armoire, Entertainment Center, Shelves...

Electronics like DVD Players, BIG TV with built-in VCR and DVD combo, Another 27+ Inch TV, and more!

Decorative items like silk plants, vases, pictures and frames, rugs, bathroom sets, TONS of stuff - FOR CHEAP!!

No reasonable offers will be refused!! Come by and take a look - but get here early before it gets picked over!!!

Ive been outta touch so long, I miss a slam! Any tonight? Tomorrow?

Bob and I are engaged :)

He proposed in Disneyland, dinner at The Blue Bayou. My ring is spectacular, and sparkly, and I am SO proud to wear it.
I am finally here - in love, happy. Content.
Our best friends were with us. Not at dinner - they feigned 'sick' They knew the WHOLE time. Then they were there when he asked, in the shadows. I cried. Real tears.
Later, He had arranged roses - they were HUGE. And so lovely.
Latin Ladies. 60 inches. 24. we nicknamed her Audrey.

I'm. Happy.

I dont care what others may think.

I think it's awesome how those closest to me, who have know me for years, tell me how happy it makes them to see ME finally happy.
My smiles have changed.
My viewpoints are softer.
Sometimes... ;)
I like that I am more empathetic, and more aware than ever. The friend in my life are so...positive charged.
Not that everything is perfect, it's just ... healthy.

I look at him, and all the therapy I've gone thru, all the mental changes and awareness that I've obtained, Life is so... DIFFERENT.
So, light-filled.
I feel like I'm living in a dream, and sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up.

I am so... blessed. And thankful.

Thank you Lord, for what You've brought me thru, where You're taking us, and what Your plans are.
Help me to be what You've created me to be, and a Testiment to Your Glory.
Thank you for choosing
me.





We had to go to Louisiana RIGHT after we got back from California to see my Grandmother one last time, then RIGHT when we got back, we had to go to the hospital AGAIN - Dan apparently had blood clots in his legs BEFORE we even went to Louisiana. He's lucky to be alive.
We spent Easter today with him and mom in the hospital.
He has stints now, so... yeah.
I'm done with Hospitals for a while.
I'm ready to be at peace, and safety.


Thank God for every day.

It's 4:15. Do you know where your Mandibella is?

Here.
Sick.
AWAKE.
Boo.

But Felicity is up with me keeping me company :)
Brady's not. He's in bed still.
Jerk.


I'm going back to school apparently. I contacted ASU about Grad School requirements. The New College of Interdisciplinary Studies. I can blend my artistic pursuits, as well as education and business all in one. Awesome.
Now it just doing it.

I have some applications to do. I cant believe I'm doing this. But apparently, you can make pretty much the same with or without a Bachelors. Doesn't seem to do me any good on job postings. :S So, more schooling. I always loved school anyway. No, really *points at self* Freak.

Faire is great.
LOTS of annoyances. But great. I'm trying to know that I cannot control the world. Sucks when you thought you could for 30 years just to finally go, 'eh. guess not then.'

One thing. It's THEATRE. It really REALLY offends me as an artist. That's why I WENT to Faire. To get a grasp on improv and a bigger, badder, more demanding stage than ever before. 10 hours straight of being on.
That's right kiddies. Your an 'ACTOR'? Act like one. Or get off the fugging stage. You just wanna play? Dont be C.A.S.T. That's what cast means. 'SHOW'. Just be a playtron and drink like normal people. Stop making everyone else look bad. It would be better with less people, who were actually committed to furthering the show. SHOW. Just cuz we dont have a script. Can you imagine if someone on Gammage stage DROPPED character?!? Or have you ever seen it? Train wreck, right?!?! *facepalm* no different.

People like to bitch about (and I'm not refering to myself now - someone was bitching about somebody else who was staying IN CHARACTER all day - God Forbid) 'jeez. She jumps around wont give it up and is silly all the time' GUESS WHAT?!?!? She knows people, SOMEONE is always watching her! 15,000 PEOPLE?!?!?!?!? There's MAYBE 300 of us. That means we have someone aware / watching us ALL THE TIME. YOU'RE ON STAGE.

No wonder people come out and they're like ' I thought they were suppose to... like... be renaissancey and stuff?' Talking about your day job, bills, your bounced check, or some drama. God. It's not just fun and games folks. Its your job. Where's your work ethic?!?

Even if you NEVER interact with people. STAY in character. Someone can hear you. And that person talks, and that person...

It's funny the 'normal' conversations you can have if you would just adpot a fucking accent, or speak proper english. If you HAVE to discuss something, grow a brain and disguise it! Be intelligent. Stop being lazy. Get off the stage

So, that makes me annoyed. :P

But, I am SO encouraged. There's alot of 'new kids' who are coming out, kicking ass, taking names. They took what Jess, myself, Jef Rawls, Teri Krawitz, said to heart, and are applying it. They're showing people up. It's awesome. Interacting, talking with patrons, not being afraid. It's... I stand in awe of their effort and commend them. Thank you. Seriously.

........

Pastor Cal's wife, Barb passed away this week.
That puts lots of life in perspective.

Im glad I got to see her and hug her tightly one last time.

I spent alot - ALOT of time with my mom this week. I needed it.
I need her, and she needs me.
It's so nice to have that relationship back.
I missed it.
Yeah, she's flawed and broken.
So am I. So is everyone.

I am learning what I can control, and what I can't.
Life's easier when you learn that and play.
Love. Rest. Peace. Cooperation.
Submittion. Identifying YOUR needs.
Voiceing them. Loving harder than you love yourself.
That's the greatest.
Bob made me soup.
AND did the laundry.
AND is my support.
My strength.

I highly recommending finding your soulmate and falling in love.





*sigh*

I'm sick. And tired.

...

no, really.
I should go back to bed :S

I look inwardly, outwardly thru faded glass in a chrome bubble of newborn skin.
Smiling at the pain my lungs feel of first breath.

I try to make out shapes and sounds of a new world around me, all-together different from the slow, molasses dark existence I have lived up to now. The muted sounds of grumbles and voices. Knowing I am aware, but not really there yet.

I feel the wind.

It tickles the soles of my feet first.

I cannot believe it’s like this. I shield my eyes at the sequin shine of awe. Flittering embers of breaking frailty. Will.

The drips of ‘don’t breathe, you’ll break it’ dew fill my jaw. In a world of chaos and uncertainty, a small tiny trinket of my soul, moves the world. Rocks foundations. And proves victory.

Anticipation vs. resignation

I made it happen. I decided.

Heavy, rusted Chains fall to the hungry ground; it gnarls its teeth in depravation of more.
When I cut the bindings of the chord off the main source,
Everything that was keeping me down, entrails and tendrils of mire, went with it.
I can’t believe it was that easy.

I trounce thru barbs and snakes. Vicious eyes, and wanting. Desperate attempts to keep me in their misery, to make them feel better about their choices.

Critical Tongues licking and sneering, bile and urine dripping of their fingers, their drip sliding and slipping off, and the pain searing with each attempted recruitment.

I know now the value of this new realm, and pay I dearly to live in it.

Striving, daily, to break thru the boundaries to glorious promise and hope.
And finally, here I stand.

Engaged in a new environment, new oxygen, new sources of life and stability. Learning to walk, learning to talk, learning to crawl and stand on my feet. Breathing in strength, exhaling commitment and assuredness. Blinking in insecurity, and embracing my vulnerability.

The light of day hurts my eyes,

I get high on the flow of fresh air into my lungs and heart.

And all I can do is weep in gratitude that I have finally been birthed to the other side.

The world awaits. I am ashamed that I have been alive all this time, and it’s taken till 30 to start living. I collectively hold my breath, to remember all I have learned, to learn from others, to engage in this real life, and not atrophy unto death. To not squander my chance. Not allow my mouth to be bound up again, to lie down for the muddy feet of others to wipe on my sweat and brow.
I will cherish and cry every chance I get. I will remember I share this world. I will remember I am not alone.

The greatest gift I can give, in honor of this, is life.



(c) Mandy Nichols 2009

Im not sleeping real well lately. Besides the fact that Felicity has been sick the last few nights, therefore, keeping my max sleepy time at 4 hours a night, I have just been dealing with alot of regrets and self loathings lately.

Dealing with Grandma last week, has made me take stock in my past behaviors.
I feel regret at relationships, or excuses for relationships, that I have been a part of.
Not for being a part of them, but for just... icky behavior IN those relationships.
I'm not even talking about the divorce. I'm talking about my past. I just... don't like having one. I know we all do, and it can't be looked at badly - it helped shape who I am.
I AM grateful that I am not nieve. I came into the world from a private school, very unwise, and on the other side now, I believe I have a good grasp on things, but the trade off is: jadedness. Loss of childness. I am glad I am involved in activities that encourage child like play and behavior. If I was a corporate person all the time, I'd shoot myself.

I have been feeling regret over how I have handled things with my parents. Grateful that I am finally building upon those relationships, and appreciating my parents for who they are, but ashamed that it took me so long to do. My mother, THE ONE PERSON who has been with me ALL the time, 100%, and I have treated her with disdain for so long. I am making amends on that now, and certainly do NOT take the blame for all of it, there was encouragement I listened to from outside sources, but, my mom loves me. And it's wonderful to have her support and agreement. It's nice. We fight our parents on thing we think WE know best, and turns out...

With a love in my life that I want to wake up everyday to experience, it has opened me up to all the emotions and feelings, doubts, fears, admittance of shortcomings, and beliefs that I think i stuffed for years. You turn the faucet it on, and it all comes out I suppose. I am still trying to accept my messy self.

I second guess my motives constantly. Accountability, I chalk it up to. I dance, but am learning that I can lead the dance sometimes. I don't have to have everyone approval. The fact I know my Dad is gonna think it's too soon, well... so be it.
I am happy, and neurotic. And I am everything and messy all at once. Multi-faceted, right?

So.
There's some Wednesday ramblings.

I DON'T consider myself too politically minded. I voted for Bob Barr yesterday for Pres because if another party aquires 5% of the pop. vote, then they can recieve federal funding for their campaign. I feel like there should be more options than just the 2 parties. That being said, I had HIGH, HIGH hopes that what happened last night, would ACTUALLY happen. I sat there, listening to Obama *I cry out of amazement still* crying at his optimism, feeling that FINALLY this is a President I can get behind. I took up his mantle automatically. I feel like 'the next generation' has finally arrived. We're here guys. We stood up and said "This is what we want. This is what we believe is right" Congratulations!

I am embarrassed at those who are suppose to be promoting faith and beliefs, have been at the center of such vicious, vile words. And the 'terrorist'?!?! HE'S been the one all along trying to unite. What a wonderful acceptance speech. More proof and re-iteration of what Obama's campaign has been all about. I am hopeful. I don't think it'll all be better tomorrow. But we will get there :)

As for the OTHER ISSUE.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN VOTE FOR HOPE AND CHANGE IN ONE CORNER - AND DENY THAT VERY CHANGE IN THE OTHER.


SHAME on you.

I shake my head.

It's hypocrisy.


Plain


and


simple.



But I guess it gives us something to strive for.

Pres: Bob Barr (LBT)
102: HELL EFFING NO



:)


Cuz I love sharing :)